So I know I have been a lazy writer not posting frequently and generally ignoring the blog in an effort to be a good little worker bee at my job.
These last few weeks have had me on edge, cranky and exhausted.. just trying to make it through the day and not become a germ monger. Ya Allah Alhumdualillah for the holiday break. It was like I was screaming on the inside,” I am gonna go crazy! I don’t have the energy to be nice or polite anymore! I am tired of being around people!”
I have also been thinking about a new years resolution.
I finally came up with a good one. No more searching.
I am not renewing any of my profiles on all the match making ones I am on. Qiran, Muslima, Half Our Deen.. all of them and once they expire – I am deleting the profiles.
I am going to tell my wali.. to stop looking. Seriously he is a busy man and way too busy to be trying to find me a good husband what with 5 kids and wife. It’s good to have a wali and I highly recommend asking someone you know well and that knows you well so that they find good matches. However I have been experiencing recently – my wali trying to marry me off to brothers who don’t fit my basic criteria – I am starting to feel like a white elephant gift.
So I am going to focus on other goals and aspirations I have in my life. First finish my second year of Ameri Corps, get an answer regarding my Peace Corps application, decide if I want to take my GRE’s sooner or later, grad school – sooner or later, start job hunting for a new job after Ameri Corps.
My good friend recommend I apply and teach at a local Islamic school…maybe I will this upcoming summer.
I have said I wouldn’t look before and haven’t kept that promise to myself in the past believing hope against hope some how I was going to find my Mr. Right.
That if I put my self out there enough that I would finally get enough exposure to find that guy. If I was a brand.. I would be almost on the scale of a mini celebrity or at least I would be one of those “As seen on TV future wife” ads.
I haven’t been afraid of failure, getting my heart broken or to cry over a guy then picking up the pieces to go back out there and try again because that’s what I have been doing.
I haven’t been afraid to be 100% real about how I look, what my values are, my family etc. What would be the point? Given the guy would find out sooner or later I don’t look like Halle Berry, I don’t have Warren Buffet’s bank account and I don’t have Jay Leno’s car collection- although I do have a resemblance to Queen Latifah , a small amount of debt, enough money to put food on the table, gas in my tank to get to work and Taleef Collective on Sunday nights.
However I am tired of brothers always feeling like in marrying me – they are marrying a “fix upper,” that who I am right now isn’t good enough because it could be better.
The grass always looks greener on the other side – if that’s the case brother – click to the next profile and don’t waste my time expressing “interest” in me like a book you put on your wish list on Amazon.com that you will never purchase.
Oh I could feel the same way about brothers I have come across but I have learned many lessons during my year and a half of searching such as :
1. Like the person right now as they are – or keep looking
2. What annoys you right now is going to annoy you later – so if you can’t stand it now – keep looking
3. If the brother isn’t already practicing his fard Deen and seeking to improve it – keep looking
4. If the brother can’t handle the reality of my family as a convert – keep looking
5. If the brother is seeking to lock me in the house and keep me pregnant, bare foot while cooking and cleaning like a maid (figuratively speaking) – keep looking
6. If the brother isn’t a critical thinker and educated enough to keep up with me mentally – keep looking
7. If pursuit of money is more important than Deen or family – keep looking
Now – these things are in no particular order but its just that I have learned whats important about what I need in my future zawaj (husband). I don’t need to change myself or my family to attract the person I am meant to be with point blank and I won’t need to change him.
So I bow out of the hubby hunt with good grace and happy that I gained the knowledge I have while I move forward with other things in my life.
As my mother says, “Love finds you when you aren’t looking,” I pray to Allah that’s true as I am weary, battered and ready to find my zawaj and start my own family inshaAllah when the time is right – which is probably when I won’t be looking for him 🙂
