Obligation & Duty

These words in a time past would impart depending on the situation a sense of honor in the person who fulfilled them.

I have decided to ditch the majority of the memorial for Kate because it seems so much of a farce.  There are people whom I am supposed to act like I know and spend time reminiscing with them about things that I don’t remember.

Its good to see people I haven’t seen in eleven years but really the pretence is to much for me so at first I took up post on the stairs out of everyone’s way and then I decided why not just disappear all together?

So I have chosen my hide out – Uncle Kurt’s house just across the yard – where I can enjoy the quiet silence and stillness without the pretence – just me and my brother’s dog Dallas.

I personally hate awkward scenes and I loathe knowing everyone has questions they want to ask but don’t want to be rude by asking.  I also hate that because they don’t ask they stare at me, eyes wide and full of questions – hoping to do so unobtrusively but I can feel the stares and quickly catch them looking at me.

The family dynamics of my extended family- the Sanders and Jelema’s have been really complicated since I was a child.  I personally think its stupid that they fight over money that they inherited, small imagined slights and are so vindictive towards each other.  Its sad really because you can’t take anything with you when you die.

I also dislike being obligated to hug people – who I really don’t want to hug and they probably don’t want to hug me either for social convention.  While I normally could and would enforce the – I don’t touch men thing – when I feel like it.  I have enough issues with people I haven’t seen in a long time questioning my reasoning behind why I choose to be Muslim.  I don’t feel like dealing with more questions and explanations right now.

A true memorial to Kate would be reading poetry from her favorite writers at a bonfire on the beach, followed by a night of cards and conversation about her favorite books.  She would also love for us to also draw pictures of fairies.  Kate knew that while genetically related family was important, the family you choose and create is more important.

So my way of honoring Kate is to seek silence and be still with nature – while doing what she would do – throwing obligation and duty out the window.