I have come to a couple of conclusions about the whole marriage thing. My conclusion is that brothers in the Ummah are simply window shopping. Oh they sign up for websites like Muslima, Single Muslim and Half Our Deen but many aren’t there with a real intention to marry, they are there to see whats on the market.
They seem to be thinking – Ah look at that hijabi.. hmm.. I wonder if I can get her with the cooking upgrade 2.0? Or MASH’ Allah sister… Allah has blessed you in too many area’s of appearance to count.. but she doesn’t come with the hijab or Deen accessory package.. Eh? Who cares? Shes is beautiful. Masha’Allah.
The sister’s who are ordinary practicing women of the faith – get pushed aside and forgotten for the flashier prettier in some cases non – hijab wearing or not practicing sisters.
The second issue is brothers with unrealistic priorities for their spouse when it comes to finding the “whole package.” Let me assure you brothers – there is no such thing. There is however the reality that we all have areas we are seeking to improve on and we can grow to be better people. InshaAllah in all areas. So if you see a sister who is overweight, not as pretty or could use improvement in the Deen ( when I say this – I mean sisters who are doing her best practicing what is Fard already) as the sister on the next page – don’t discount her based on these things. Remember you to have area’s for improvement – even those who are scholars or religious leaders among us – have room for improvement.
The third issue that I have seen is brother’s seeking marriage when they are not islamically legally able to do so. Now.. this covers a whole bunch of things but my main one is finances. A brother seeking marriage has to be able to support his wife and future family – InshaAllah. So what does it mean to be financially ready? It means being able to provide housing, health care and for her needs such as clothing, food and household items.
Now does that mean you have to be a millionaire? No. Or that you need a $25,000 wedding ? No. Are you going to get out of a wedding.. the chance is 99.9 % of no way.
The fourth issue is something else which outright is against Islam and the Qur’an is a brother who is no longer a virgin seeking to marry only a virgin.
As men also have the requirement of virginity on their wedding night unless they have previously been married. “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to be mindful of their chastity: this will be most conducive to their purity – [and,] verily, God is aware of all that they do.”(24:30) But somehow this little fact gets forgotten when it comes to the guys.. and it has become socially more acceptable within and without the Ummah for men to be sexually active before marriage. Double standard alert.. don’t be asking or requiring something from a woman you aren’t willing to do yourself. That’s all I am going to say on that subject.
And the final issue is that of culture vs Islam. Many brothers AND sisters feel pressure to marry only a certain culture or only an individual with light or white skin. These things are culture. What each of us should be looking for according to the Deen and character of our future spouse not things that are superficial such as skin color, height or bank balance.
So some tips for the brothers who are actually ready to get married and aren’t window shopping.
A brother should be aware there are some things going to be expected of them when it comes to the wife hunt.
1. The internet has lead to a lot of marriages – Alhumdualillah. So if you want to meet a sister – you come to her – not the other way around. Especially for the face to face meeting. Why you might be wondering? Your letting her meet you on her turf.. everything is familiar and comfortable. This is a sign of a gentleman.
2. Don’t be surprised if you get grilled on everything from your taxes to future plans. Trust me your going to do the same thing for your future daughter inshaAllah.
3. Don’t be surprised if your asked right away.. what date were you thinking of to get married on? As its Sunnah to get married as soon as both parties are certain there is a match.
4. Keep it real. Be who you really are.. warts and all. The motto – hide all the faults until AFTER the marriage is a certain recipe for divorce.
So be honest about who you are, your priorities, your budget and what you are looking for – if you really are seriously looking.