It hurts today to even think about talking to a guy for the sake of marriage. Every time I start thinking about it – I get teary and I really dislike being teary – not because it might ruin my make up – which I never wear – but because it means I am really really hurt still.
It doesn’t matter the brother apologized and asked my forgiveness before ending the conversation. I am still in pain and hurting. I feel like I am setting myself up for a whipping. I stick to the Sunnah – I am completely honest and up front about who I am and who my family is. If I were to hide things.. well I couldn’t. Its not who I am – even my friends are sometimes bewildered at my level of complete honesty with them.
This isn’t to say I have 100% disclosure with everybody and anybody. I feel its on a need to know basis. I really don’t enjoy being the target of gossip or well meaning people telling me that I should make really direct Dawah to my family – when I know they aren’t the types to be open to Islam in that way. The worst thing is to be pitied. I refuse to be pitied.
So no – I don’t want to open that email from the website saying some brother expressed interest. No I don’t want to know about your friend who is looking. I just want to today – forget I am single and looking by busying myself with my family, community and friends. If I cry at the drop of a hat – the party line is – Allergies – not a hurt soul.