I swore I wouldn’t cry over the reality of being rejected because of the family I was born into. We don’t get to choose what family we are born into – Allah chooses for us. So I am crying again.. because until this brother knew about my family – he liked me. Just me.
Every time I open up enough to talk about my family with a man I could call my habib, my future husband – the other half of my deen. I open myself up to rejection and criticism of myself. That there is something genetically, mentally wrong or abnormal about me because my mom happens to be gay. There isn’t anything wrong with me. I refuse to cut myself or my future children off from my mother – who awaits the arrival of her future grandchildren with anticipation. I refuse to feel ashamed of my mom or my family because they are the ones who helped be become the woman I am now.
Yet here I am crying.
I couldn’t hold back my tears this time because I genuinely liked this guy. Another moment of bitterness, that makes me question did I make the right choice in becoming a Muslimah. I could have converted in high school – but I held off because I knew it would be a difficult path – that I would have to battle my mother’s belief that in choosing Islam – I was rejecting her.
I knew it would be a difficult path to complete the other half of my deen because of people’s views on my family. Ya Allah grant me subr to be more steadfast on your path.
Make these tears worth all the anguish in my heart – each time I get rejected not because I lack in my Deen but because a brother can’t accept my family. Allah never gives us more than we can bear- Oh Allah I am worried I won’t withstand this test and in weakness choose a path that leads me away from you and Rasool (pbuh).
I refuse to go against the Sunnah and reject my family. Ya Allah may my tears be a shield which protects me from those who are unworthy of my soul, heart, mind and body. I only seek your pleasure. May I find someone who only makes me cry tears of happiness instead of tears of sorrow and thinks I am the most amazing, sexy, awesome woman ever – and a best choice for the mother of his unborn children- and accepts my family realizing he is marrying me not them. Ameen.